Throughout this journey, I’ve learned many things. How to change diapers while working around various casts, the benefits of owning a Giraffe Bottle, and new terms such as torticollis, nemaline myopathy, and apraxia. I’ve also learned that people will ask awkward questions when faced with awkward situations.
I fully admit that asking how our son is doing, even now, can be an awkward question because you ultimately have no idea what the answer will be.
When our son was first born, and we were home, going back out into the world, and I went back to work, one of the hardest questions to answer wasn’t about our son. The hardest question to answer was when someone asked how my wife was doing.
Even now, if someone asked how she was, I would still feel the same as I did three years ago.
It isn’t just a question, but a weight I carry with me to this day.
If someone asked how my wife was, I would give generic answers like “she’s ok” or “she’s doing as well as she can be.” Even now, I’ll mostly always just go with a “she’s good.”
The hardest questions to answer aren’t questions anyone wants me to answer honestly and to the fullest.
Three years ago, when I wrote my original post, I wrote:
“How’s my wife doing? Do you mean the woman that many people never thought would have kids? Who had given up on the idea herself by the time we got together? The woman who has been there and been the super aunt for countless nieces and nephews? The woman who is an amazing stepmom?
That woman?
She’s good. She’s keeping her head above water because she has to. Because we have our son to take care of and to build a life and help him with everything we can. Because she’s the type of person, the type of Mom, that will put herself on the back burner for the benefit of whoever needs her.”
All that still tracks to this day. She has put herself on the back burner for the past three years, taking our son to countless therapies. Pouring all her time, energy, and damn near her entire identity into taking care of our son, learning all she can about his numerous conditions, and doing her best to stay ahead of potential hurdles or setbacks.
She shows strength in ways others aren’t even capable of thinking about. She has faced storms, jumped hurdles, and went against other family members, all in the name of our son, and his future.
It’s a curious thing to have such overwhelming pride in someone over something that equally breaks your heart.
She had to mourn the loss of a life she had dreamed of and anticipated. Not only of our son’s life but hers as finally being able to be a mother. Nothing was or has been how she had hoped or dreamed. Nothing she had anticipated has come to pass. Things she was looking forward to had to be locked away as fantasies and dreams, only to be replaced by harsh realities and struggles.
We have no cute photos of our newborn son holding our fingers. No videos of him running up and wrapping his arms around our neck. He has had three Christmases and three birthday parties, and we have zero photos of him opening presents. Toys that were bought in anticipation of his arrival were never used.
We traded the typical and expected memories and milestones for ones that are uniquely our own.
Our son has started preschool, but there won’t be those school projects or drawings coming home. There’s been no practicing letters or signing cards for his mom. We never had the excitement of him crawling for the first time, or cheering him on as he threw a ball. We had excitement from him rolling over and videos of pinky fingers twitching.
That’s not to say we haven’t had our moments, as I still feel the excitement and pride in my chest from when our son took his first unsteady steps. A milestone that felt nearly unachievable just two years ago. That’s something people don’t realize. Yes, we have our memories and milestones. We have the happiness, but that doesn’t mean we still don’t mourn. That there aren’t still times when things hurt.
My heart breaks for my wife for all the things she’s not had the opportunity to experience, and never will. For the memories that were anticipated and for the ones that haunt her. The moments and milestones in life that we, as parents, look forward to typically have been replaced with ones that most don’t understand.
My wife is an amazing woman. The strongest person I can imagine. I can’t even fathom facing the ups and downs we’ve faced and will continue to face with anyone else. I wouldn’t have been able to get through these past few years without her. The fact is, a child facing a disability could not ask for a more amazing human being to be their parent. She is a force. She loves our son with a passion and a love unmatched. She adores him while being heartbroken, knowing of the trials and struggles he will continue to face.
I’ve watched her be heartbroken over the fact her power is limited in terms of what she can do for him to shoulder his pains, and I sit heartbroken for the both of them.
My wife is an amazon mom. Others would have broken under the pressure she’s already endured. She had everything shatter in front of her but picked herself up and kept putting one step in front of the other, and continues to, no matter how many times things shatter in front of her. I adore her, and my awe of her has been one of the few things that has ever broken through my times of guilt and heartbreak.
So, how is my wife doing?
She’s amazing. She’s an amazing mom, an amazing wife, an amazing person, and that’s all the while she’s been broken inside, trying to heal when she can. Keeping things inside to not burden or worry others. Maintaining composure while the world around her pours down. Shouldering things, I wish I could shoulder for her. My heart breaks for her. For all the moments she won’t get what she deserves.
We’ve had moments already, and have plenty more ahead of us; those moments are moments that are unique to us. They’re special for us, and they’re special for her. She has mourned, and still mourns, but never think of her mournfully. Look at her with admiration, because, for as much as someone thinks they know, they don’t. They don’t truly understand the rock star she truly is.
I originally wrote “The Hardest Question” on The Greene Affect back on March 12, 2001. I have expanded it here, but everything still fits. People still ask how my wife is doing, especially now that he is walking and in preschool. While certain circumstances have changed, the underlying emotions and struggle on how deeply to go into answering such a question remain.
